Know Your Joe: Beach Head
by Red Witch
Summary: Nothing on television? Quick Kick and Short Fuse will make a certain Joe wish there wasn't.


**Someone shot up the disclaimer saying that I don't own any GI Joe characters. Another random mad fic that came from my mad mind. **

**Know Your Joe: Beach Head**

"And I thought there was nothing on **before** the writer's strike…" Alpine groaned as he flipped the channels. "And I admit the first few weeks I didn't notice that much of a difference but for crying out loud even the reality TV shows are running out of steam!"

"Who Wants to Date a Mechanic Inside a Geodome?" Shipwreck called out the titles of the shows as they changed. "Jousting Live! National Monopoly Night, Two and a Half Men rerun, Finding Love in a Mall, Finding a Mime in the Mall, Asking Stupid Questions in a Mall, Coming Up with Any Television Show in a Mall, another Two and A Half Men rerun…"

"I checked it out, they're the same reruns that were on **last week**," Low Light sighed. "And the week before that."

"How to Build a Birdhouse…" Alpine sighed. "The World's Best Commercials. The World's Worst Commercials. Just a bunch of commercials…"

"And all those studios wonder why more people turn to the Internet for entertainment," Low Light sighed.

"Twenty seven different tabloid shows on Tiffany Weapons and her family," Shipwreck remarked. "You know the networks oughta send her a thank you note. If it wasn't for all the insane screw ups and drunken antics of that clan there'd be **nothing** on television."

"I must admit, they are a beam of light in these dark times," Airtight agreed.

"Yeah I mean all those kids television networks have got a ton of educational stuff showing kids what **not** to do," Shipwreck nodded.

"Hey Bowling For Dollars is on," Airtight realized.

"Actually no," Alpine sighed. "They're not on either. Their writers decided to go on strike too."

"Wait a bowling show has **writers?**" Low Light did a double take. "How can a **bowling show** have writers?"

"You don't really think those commentators come up with all that snappy banter by themselves do ya?" Shipwreck asked.

"Well that also explains why Curling Tonight is also cancelled," Bazooka sighed.

"Remember when Cobra took over television a couple of times?" Airtight asked. "I'm actually starting to miss some of the stupid stuff they put on the air."

"You would!" Low Light snapped. "I can't think of anything **worse** on TV!"

Just then the signal changed. "Hey guys!" It was Quick Kick and Short Fuse on the television. "We're back! Once again with another segment of Know Your Joe!"

"Oh wait, yes I can…" Low Light groaned.

"Today's Know Your Joe is about a mysterious figure you all know and love," Quick Kick held up a picture. "Yes we're going to talk about our favorite hygienically challenged sergeant Beach Head! Unfortunately we are not able to have an actual interview."

"Uh this is more like an unauthorized biography," Short Fuse whistled.

"We would have done this sooner only we wanted to make sure we had all the facts straight," Quick Kick said. "Well that and to make sure we did it on a night that Beach Head was off base for about a week or so."

"Smart plan," Low Light remarked. "I know watching this is going to destroy some of my brain cells but I can't look away."

"And we have a very special guest to give us the in depth scoop on the man, the mystery that is Beach Head!" Quick Kick smiled. "Say hello to Beach Head's best friend, Sgt. Snuffles!" He waved a stuffed teddy bear in a camouflage outfit.

"Hello everyone!" Quick Kick threw his voice and made it high pitched.

"Oh my sweet Aunt Cessily we have just sunk to new depths of degradation and insanity on television," Alpine groaned.

"Beach Head's real name is Wayne R. Sneeden and he was born in Auburn, Alabama," 'Sgt. Snuffles' spoke. "He was from a poor family. No one liked him as a child."

"Some things never change," Alpine grinned.

"Still he worked hard and aced all of his classes and even became valedictorian at his high school," Sgt. Snuffles kept on going. "He joined the army and eventually became an instructor at Ft. Benning and then an observer/advisor at the covert ops school in Central America. He is also a qualified expert on all NATO and Warsaw Pact small arms."

"And yet with all the classes he taught he still didn't learn any manners," Short Fuse snickered.

"His primary military specialty is Infantry," Sgt. Snuffles kept on going. "He lives for it. He loves getting up at 0600 to take a ten mile run and PT session before breakfast. Sitting out waiting for an ambush three days in a row. He also likes pina coladas and getting caught in the rain."

"I guess Cobra on TV wasn't **that** bad," Low Light conceded.

_"If he likes pina coladas! And getting caught in the rain…" _Quick Kick and Short Fuse sang. _"Beach Head's not into health food!" _

CRASH!

A chair suddenly threw across the room. "But he loves inflicting **pain!**" Beach Head snapped.

"He came back early didn't he?" Quick Kick gulped.

"Yes he did," Short Fuse gulped.

"Hey guys! This show's about to get good!" Shipwreck grinned.

"And here comes the **punch line**," Low Light grinned as Beach Head attacked. "Ooh! Now that has got to hurt!"

"Well I'll be darned," Bazooka said. "Sometimes you don't need writers to have a good show."

"AAAAAAAAAAH! NO BEACH HEAD! STOP IT! NOT THE PLUNGER! GET THE PLUNGER AWAY FROM US!" Both Short Fuse and Quick Kick screamed.

"Some of the best moments on television are unscripted," Low Light grinned. "Guys I think we just found our new fall favorite show. Everybody Loves Beach Head Beating Up Idiots!"


End file.
